attack of the killer nerves

tonight i am embarking on my first real test on my decision to socialize more...to say yes more. socializing outside my house is much easier for me than inviting a group of people to my home. outside of my house, i can just leave if i get bored or overwhelmed. when i have people over to my house, i'm stuck playing hostess until they are ready to leave. i can't runaway to my room or hop on the computer without seeming rude. so tonight will be a challenge as i'm opening my home to people...the first time i've done that since i bought my house 4 years ago.

i'm pretty nervous. several reasons spring to mind for my nervousness. sure, i'm probably being mostly paranoid, but at least one of the reasons is fairly valid. "why are you nervous?" you ask. well, let me tell you...

a.) what if no one comes? i think that's a standard nerve wrecking question people ask when they're coming up on the start time of a party they've planned, but i have a good reason for having to ask that. i'm not great at maintaining contact with friends over a long term if they aren't attached to a computer like i am. i hate the phone and because most of the real world seems to rely on them to make plans, i have a dilemma. and if i don't see a person every day, that makes it twice as challenging for me. my current job requires me to spend my day with a 4 year old and 2 year old and as much as i love them, i'm not inviting them to my house for a party. so for this party, i had to make contact with friends and former co-workers i haven't necessarily seen for quite some time...a few of them i haven't seen or talked to in several years. so i'm hoping that everyone forgives me and allows me to make the long silence up to them in the form of food and entertainment in my house (a place that 99% of the people who come, if anyone comes, has never actually been inside of).

2.) what if i forgot something important? did i remember to clean the toilet? check. did i remove the cat hair off all the furniture? check. did i remember to get food? check. those are just a few of the questions i'm currently asking myself.

B.) will i be able to stay at my party or am i going to feel the need to runaway? big question for a person who is ultimately a huge introvert.

on the plus side, everyone i invited tonight was at one point a very good friend. a friend who i spent a lot of time with both at work and outside of work. they all know me and know my quirks. hopefully they know me well enough to understand i'm reaching out to them and really want to reconnect and start hanging out again. because, after all, that's the whole point of this website. to say yes and basically get a life. :)