the big bad wolf

i have been planning to write something today since i woke up this morning. i woke up with a steady stream of things to rant about running through my brain. up until about 5 minutes ago, i still hadn't settled on a topic, but then i got online and finished reading a string of articles, op-eds and responses that got me a little annoyed so i settled on a topic i hadn't even considered writing about.

i love buying things online. the internet really has helped when it comes to my not having to deal with the stupid people who seem to clog up the stores. however, even my online purchases occur at local establishments. that's right. i shop local. not 100% of the time, but probably at least 75% of the time. easy to do when about the only thing you spend your money on is books and food.

which leads me to my rant...

amazon.com is killing the locally owned bookstore. (yes, i'm going to be spewing forth about my favorite topic....books and the places in which you can get them.) let me say that again....amazon.com is KILLING the locally owned bookstore. for that matter, they're killing the big chain box bookstores. borders has already closed its doors and barnes & noble is struggling with sales of books though their NOOK is doing well.

let me give you a little back ground. publishers set the prices for books. not the bookstore. not amazon. not even the author (well, not most of the time.). bookstores sell the books for the publishers list price unless the store chooses to take a smaller profit from the sale of the book and puts it on sale. so if the publisher says the book is $24.95, typically more than half of that amount goes back to the publisher who then pays the author their share of that sale. the rest of the money goes to the bookstore. the bookstore then uses that money to pay staff and all the other bills necessary to keep the doors open. if the bookstore decides they are going to sell the book at a cheaper price, the bookstore makes less money, not the publisher...the publisher gets the same amount of money no matter what the store sells the book for.

now publishers do offer discounts themselves....basically, the more books a bookstore buys from they, the better the discount. but your locally owned bookstore isn't going to want hundreds of copies of a single book sitting around taking up space that other titles could be taking so the number of books they get at any one time is small.

hopefully, my smart reader, you've figured out that the reason you find very few books on sale in your locally owned bookstore is that they have bills to pay so they can't afford to discount every book on the shelf.

that brings us to amazon.com. they offer amazing discounts. often more than 50% publisher list price. one of the reasons amazon.com can do that is because they can order books from publishers in such a vast quantity that the publishers discount to them is huge. another reason they can do that is because they sell so much more than books. they can offer you the newest bestseller at 75% off list price because they might just sell you a pair of shoes or a microwave at no discount at all as well. amazon.com is kind of like sam's club. they sell everything you might need so they can discount knowing that people aren't just going to buy the one book, but a lot of other things as well. especially since you have to spend $25 to get free shipping. at their discount, that's at least 2 books you'd have to buy to get free shipping.

side note: i started this blog 4 hours ago and was unable to finish it due to a power outage at work. my train of thought has since been derailed and i no longer remember where i was going to take this post.

while i don't personally use amazon.com to purchase things unless i absolutely can not find them anywhere else (i can count on one hand the number of times i've bought things from amazon.com), i can understand their place in this world. i agree with some of the articles i've read that have named the website as one of the instrumental things that got the world reading again. they have definitely played a big part in changing the landscape of publishing and bookselling. i don't think they need to disappear, but they need to give the brick-and-mortar stores a break. amazon.com sterilizes book buying. they make it easy to get what you want without the hassle of other shoppers or employees asking if they can help you. you can sit on your couch at home and browse all day long without anyone bothering you. but you miss out on the sensory pleasures that come with shopping in an actual bookstore. part of the fun is being able to touch what you might want to buy or smell a store full of books. sure amazon.com shows you the cover of the book and even lets you read small sections of a lot of books, but it doesn't even come close to the experience of actually seeing the book. for a reader, nothing is more fun than getting into a lively spur of the moment conversation with someone at a bookstore over what they're reading, thinking of buying or comparing recommendations, whether they are a shopper or member of the staff. you can't do that on amazon.com. sure there are discussion boards on every topic under the sun, but nothing is spur of the moment. rarely do discussions get truly heated. for me, a trip to the bookstore can easily turn into an impromptu book club while browse the fiction section with other fellow readers or while we stand in line to pay for our new found treasures. i have shelves full of books i bought because the person next to me while browsing recommended something.

whether you like it or not, shopping in a brick-and-mortar bookstore is personal. staff members are going to ask to help you. other customers might try to chat with you. music will be playing. it isn't likely you're going to get in and out without having a conversation with someone other than 'that'll be $31.46, please.' someone will ask how you are. someone will ask if they can help you find something. someone will ask if you've read the book they're holding. someone will ask if the author you're about to buy is any good. bookstores are friendly. why? because everyone in the place has at least one thing in common....a love of the written word. what does everyone shopping at amazon.com have in common? they're all too lazy to drive to a real store.

i said earlier i shop online. and i do. i order my pizza online (which either comes from a local pizza place or is paid for by cash on delivery from a chain). i buy things i find on craigslist.org. i order things that can be shipped to and paid for at a brick-and-mortar store in the area. but if i can't keep part of the money i'm spending on the items i'm ordering online in my own community, i try not to buy online unless it is the only option.

yeah, so i'm sure this entry is all over the place, but there you have it.

"you'd be so pretty if..."

mediocrity.

that is a word i'm well familiar with. in fact it is a word i embrace.

embrace you say? who embraces mediocrity? who even admits to mediocrity?

well, let me tell you. the kind of person who is honest with themselves.

above all things, i try to be honest with myself. i probably spend a lot of time ignoring that honesty, but at some point i've looked in the mirror and said "wow, you're plain." or i've admitted to myself i'm not as smart as i'd like to think i am. or i've realized i don't know what i'm doing in my life most of the time. and guess what? not too long ago i had what i hear professionals call 'a moment of clarity.'

i don't care about being attractive. i don't want to be considered ugly, but i don't care enough about my appearance to go through the motions of putting on make up and doing more to my hair than washing it. a lot of people in my life have said to me 'you'd look so pretty if you'd only wear some makeup and do your hair.' i don't want to be pretty because society has convinced us spending an hour in the bathroom with a blow dyer, flat iron and hundreds of dollars worth of product everyday makes us pretty. 'you'd look so pretty if...' is the same kind of statement as 'she's so pretty...too bad she's so fat.' it is possible to be pretty and nude of face and hair products. and i don't even strive for pretty, i strive for passable. i'm a-ok with being the pretty one's friend. it works out as the guys i'm most attracted too are the good-looking guys buddy. means i get to spend a lot of time talking to the more relaxed, intelligent guys. too bad they're hoping to go home with my friends too.

i don't care about being the smartest/funniest/richest/etc. in the room. those adjectives take a lot of work. i'm reasonably smart. i'm funny when i need to be or at the right time. and i really couldn't care less about money. the potential is there to be smart. i did well in school and i love to learn. i'm just very lazy about it all and my interests change to quickly to become knowledgeable about any one thing beyond the basics. i'd much rather be easiest person to be around. the person who listens and doesn't make you tired because you have to work so hard to impress her. i'd much rather be known as a good listener or a good friend or a good designated driver. in the long run, those things mean more than being smartest, funniest or richest. eventually the smartest is thought of as an insufferable know it all, the funniest doesn't have anything going for them other than being funny and the richest is a snob just out to impress everyone with their wallets full of money.

i don't care about being the best at my job. well, in my current job, i'm the only one doing it and they fired someone to hire me fulltime so i guess that does make me the best at my job, but that doesn't make me the best nanny ever. in fact, i probably rank pretty low in the best nanny ever description. but i do my job the best i can and am happy that my best is good enough. but honestly, i don't go out of my way to be extra special. i don't volunteer to stay late if need be. i don't do extra cleaning. i don't go out of my to do special projects with the kids i work with. i'm too busy having fun remembering what it is like to be 3 and 5. i am too busy playing to do most of those other things. and as for volunteering to stay late, i live almost an hour away from work...staying late means getting home late and that just makes for really long days.

basically, i'm ok with my mediocrity because i'm ok with my laziness. my laziness is what makes me mediocre. i could look better if i didn't insist on sleeping until the last second and then having to run out the door with wet hair instead of spending an hour getting ready in the morning. i'd be smarter if i wasn't too lazy to do the work to become smarter. i'd be the best nanny ever if i wasn't too lazy to spend a little extra time prepping fun craft projects instead of building sand castles on the beach.

i'm ok with my mediocrity because i am honest about who i am and most of the time even like who i am.

and because i'm feeling extra bloggy today

i love to swing. a few minutes on a swing will make me happy even on the worst of days. today was definitely not the worst of days, but that didn't make my time on the park swing any less joy-filled. swinging allows me clear my mind and do nothing but enjoy the feeling of soaring. i love it.

today has been so beautiful...my kind of michigan fall day. i spent a large chunk of the day sitting outside with two of the cutest boys in the world. we were either on the beach playing in the sand or hanging out in the backyard. i love that october in michigan still allows me to enjoy the beach.

between the beach, the swings and the beautiful fall weather, i am one content girl today.

shocking declaration

shocking statement of the day:

i almost certainly do not want to have children.

take your time recovering from that statement...i know it is pretty rare to hear that from a member of the girl club.

i said something along those lines to a friend this morning and his reaction, hard to accurately gage as it was via text message, came across as a little shocked. he then asked for details. so jay, this blogs for you.

i play housewife/stay-at-home mom and get paid for it. and i'm only playing as i get to go home to my empty house every night. and i like it. both the playing part and the empty home part. i get the best of both worlds. i get to raise kids but don't have to pay for it (i get paid for it) and i can take a vacation from it whenever i want. and the last three days i've been playing stay-at-home mom 24/7 as the parents of the boys i nanny are in california. and i'm tired. i honestly can not wait til 11pm tonight when their parents get home and i can make the 35 mile drive to my child-free house.

now part of my reasoning for being able to state i don't want kids is because i don't see it in my future. at this point in my life, i seriously doubt i'll find the man of my dreams before the childbearing years are over. i would love to find someone and settle down. but after 32 years of singledom, i don't know if it will happen. so maybe for self-preservation, i've convinced myself that children aren't necessary to my life. i've never been a dater. my longest relationship was about 5 months and that was long distance. i've been told my more than one guy that i'm not dating material because i'm too much like one of the guys. i've also been told i'm perfect mistress material because i'm too independent to be married successfully, but that independence would make me a less clingy, demanding mistress. neither one of those things are good when you want to meet someone, fall in love and live happily ever after. so if i don't get happily ever after (which is a concept i'm naive enough to actually want), i don't get kids. end of story.

that being said, if i were to meet mr. right in time to have children, i would be more than willing to procreate if he wanted to. but i would no longer work with children for my job. knowing myself, i know i would never be able to stay home full time so i'd have to work, but i also know that i could never give 100% working with other peoples children and then come home and give 100% to my own kids. someones kids would get neglected and i'm afraid it would be my own.

so there it is...the quickest way i know to put my thoughts on kids into writing.

stop and smell the roses

or in my case, the rain.

i love that nature has a way of making me slow down and reassess things. at the moment i have a list of things to do for work (i'm left one every day by my boss) and about a thousand errant thoughts slowly percolating through my brain, but instead of focusing on any of that, i'm sitting at a beautiful glass desk in an equally beautiful home library/office watching and listening to the rain pitter-patter against the leaves and ground outside. it is just a light rain...the perfect kind of rain for my form of meditation. don't go thinking i actually meditate. i couldn't truly meditate if my life depended on it. i just can't slow my thinking that much. but the rain acts as a filter and helps me concentrate on one thought at a time instead of every thought rushing me all at once like normal.

and the rain reminds me to be thankful. my relationship with a great power is a little iffy, but it is days like this that remind me why i do believe in a high power; why i think none of this is an accident of science or whatever others who don't believe in God think. i can sit her looking out the window and be thankful someone or something created such a beautiful place for me to live out my existence. having lived someplace with no greenery, i can be thankful for all the vibrant shades of green (and yellows, oranges, reds and purples as the leaves are changing right now). just above the sound of the rain, i can hear the roar of waves from lake michigan across the street. it has been some time since i've felt so at peace.

instead of dwelling on finances or boys or home repairs or what's for dinner tonight, i've been relaxing, reading a book when not typing and enjoying the sound of the splendid countryside i get to spend my days working. but alas all good things must come to an end...

time to iron 4 sets of sheets.

'the happiness project' by gretchen rubin

am i happy? if not, what can i do to increase my happiness?

that's what the author spends a year trying to find out in the book 'the happiness project.' let me start by saying, the author is not unhappy. she wants to be MORE happy. let me also say, i hate this book. i'll finish reading it not because it is good, but because the topic (when she sticks to it) is a good one. author is whiny, over-researched (who knew that could be a problem?) and selfish. she mentions on nearly every page how she worries that this project is selfish...shouldn't she be trying to make other people happy instead? she brags regularly about all the research she's done for this 'project' but rarely actually uses the research or even tells the reader what the research says. now i understand that technically this book is a memoir, but if she did all this research, i want to hear about the actually research a little, not just be told she did it. maybe the book needs to be a little less memoir and a little more self-help for me to not be annoyed by it. i don't know.

on the other hand, she has definitely made me think at lot about the topic and the idea of starting my own happiness project (which i guess she's going to tell me how to do at the end of the book). i'll be the first to admit that while i am definitely not unhappy, i am a pretty dour personality in general. according to a little of the research that did poke its way into the book, whether a person has a happy personality is genetic, at least partially...the other part falls under the 'fake it until you make it' school of thought. i come from a family who is not overly happy i guess you could say. at any given moment, you could look at one of us and we'd appear more sad or angry than we do happy. that isn't because we're sad or angry but because the default setting on our face isn't a smile. some people are naturally smiley and perky. we, as a family, are not. doesn't make us unhappy, just means others have a hard time telling if we are happy unless we're overly happy about something. but i do think i could use some more happiness in my life. as could everyone.

the author had some interesting ideas on how to make her life happier. some of them i feel are really stupid (mostly because they don't apply to me or my life) and others i think are fantastic ideas. she has her book divided into months and each month she focuses in on a different type of change she made to help bring more happiness to her life. so far i'm only up to june so i have a lot of read yet, but here is what has spoken to me so far:

1. declutter your life. this is probably the one that connected to me the most. she decluttered her families apartment by getting rid of all the stuff that wasn't necessary whether it was clothes, toys, appliances, junk...whatever. and while anyone who has ever seen my house would understand that i live in a lot of clutter, the idea hit me at another level too. what about people? don't we all have people in our lives that take up space for no reason? those people we hang out with because we've known them since kindergarten so we feel obligated, but in reality we no longer have anything in common? shouldn't it be ok to stop calling them? i mean, really, does it actually make you happy to see those people? i'll be honest, i'm already pretty good at doing that decluttering. but there is a person (type of person?) i would like to declutter from my life. this person makes it difficult for me to want to come home at night. my roommate. he's a big source of clutter in my house and life that doesn't make me happy. as much as i'm happy when he hands me money, that happiness fades as soon as i pay the mortgage and i'm left with 30 more days of unhappiness until that money hits my hands again. so thank you 'the happiness project' for confirming my decision to kick him out. :)

wow...this is getting longer than i thought it would. time to take a break.

forever and a day

it has been awhile.

my apologizes. it has been busy.

i lied. it hasn't been so busy i couldn't sit down and write a blog entry or 15.

and i've thought about it. i really have. i just never quite got around to it. i could give all kinds of reasons why, but that would just be silly as there really is only one reason....

...i've been lazy. my hectic schedule of reading and watching tv/movies has been more interesting than writing blogs.

basically, i've really had nothing of consequence to say.

until recently.

see, i've started reading this book called 'the happiness project.' it is a self-help book, i.e. a book i could never pick up unless forced. and i guess you could say i was forced as my book club is reading it for this month's selection and i try very hard to read the books selected as they will widen my world view and introduce me to think i wouldn't otherwise read as i find most popular book club choices to be incredible retarded. so i'm reading this book. and it has given me a lot to say. or at least enough to say to warrant a blog entry.

alas, this is not that entry. you'll get that a little later after i've had a bit of time to craft my cleverly worded review of the 100 pages or so that i've read thus far.

but to give you a quick look at what the future blog might say...

'i hate it.'

stupid is as stupid does

last night i watched a movie that i used to like a lot. i hated it. i sat through the entire thing wondering why i liked this movie. i've had the same thought about other movies, but normally those movies where childhood favorites that didn't stand the test of time for me or movies that i've just watched over and over again until i can't tolerate another viewing, at least not for a long time. the movie i watched last night, i have only seen a handful of times and was released in 2004. i'm not naming the movie, because well, the title just doesn't matter. whether other people like the movie or not isn't the point. the point is that i don't like it anymore. or at least i hated it last night. it could be that it was just the wrong movie for me last night. i had started to watch something else on my DVR, but turned out that only the first 14 minutes of it had recorded for some reason. so i did settle for watching something different. i picked the second movie because two of the four main characters were played by the same actors as two of the main characters in the first movie.

anyway...i hated the movie. and it got me thinking. how can a movie i liked so much in the first 4-5 viewings become something i can hardly tolerate sitting though on the next viewing? my first thought was that the plot of the movie was hitting too close to home for some reason thus making me evaluate aspects of my life. nope. nothing that happened in the movie comes anywhere close to my life. nor do i want anything that happens in the movie to happen in my life. the movie is full of drama and dysfunction...two things i try very hard to not have in my life. my next thought and the thought that has stayed with me was that since the last viewing, i've changed in some way. well, yeah, of course i've changed. that's what people do. they change. i'd be stupid to think i'm the same person i was when i first saw the movie. but this morning i figured out why i hated the movie so much.

my tolerance for stupid people has shrunk to the point of near non-existence. and this movie was full of stupid people. stupid people making stupid decisions and on top of being stupid, they were weak. they couldn't figure a way out of their problems just making the problems bigger. how i managed to get through 2 hours of their whiny-ness i'm not sure, but by the end of the movie, i just wanted them all dead...or at least more miserable than they already were. it makes me appreciate the people i have in my life. i've managed to find people to surround myself with that have very little drama, but aren't afraid of fun. people who aren't stupid either intellectually or socially. people who allow me to be me and don't wish i was 'more' of anything.

while i wish i had the two hours of my life back i wasted watching the movie, i'm thankful it allowed me to evaluate my life and publicly say 'thank you!' to everyone in my life who help keep the stupid and drama out of my everyday life.

'may the force be with you'

children amaze me. their little brains are like sponges. the amount of information they soak up in their early years is mind boggling to me. most of it is necessary and expected...you know skills like walking, talking, potty training, etc. but then there is the information they soak up because they find it interesting...song lyrics, jokes, the names of all the 'cars' characters, etc. it is the latter information i find the most fascinating.

i spend my work days with a 4 year old and a 2 year old...both boys. they both love music and can sing entire songs by michael jackson and katy perry as well as the regular songs all kids learn. they are both very proficient in naming dinosaurs. but the skill they have both obtained at an almost alarmingly early age is their knowledge of 'star wars' universe.

i am a 'star wars' fan. i couldn't begin to tell you how many times i have seen the original trilogy and i have seen episode 1 and 3 numerous times as well. but here i am, watching episode 2: attack of the clones for just the second time. it is, in my humble opinion, awful. seriously george lucas, what were you thinking? padme and anakin rolling around in a field of wild flowers? anakin using the force to feed padme fruit? it is sappy, sentimental cliches. and the rest of the movie isn't any better.

i digress. i'm watching this movie because the two boys i nanny have never seen it. it is the only 'star wars' movie they haven't seen yet so as a special treat tonight as i'm spending the night with them, we are watching 'star wars episode 2: attack of the clones.' or at least we were since i just put them to bed. i have a feeling they are going to dislike this movie just as much as i do though. too much time watching anakin and padme fall in love and not enough time spent watching lightsaber battles and other forms of action. i think they'll find it boring. at least that means, they won't make me watch it over and over.

these boys are a fount of 'star wars' knowledge. i used to think i knew my stuff. i would never consider myself a 'star wars' fangirl, but i knew a decent amount about the original trilogy, enough to be impressive in most circles anyway. then i met these boys. i don't know who introduced them to 'star wars' but these boys love 'star wars' like other kids their age love 'cars' or 'toy story'. while i still have them beat when it comes to knowledge of places in the 'star wars' universe, they can tell me the name of every character that comes on screen. yesterday we were having a lightsaber battle. when i asked the 4 year old who he was his response was 'ki-adi-mundi'. i had to look him up in order to know who he was. i had never even heard the name. after looking him up, i recognized him, but i still didn't remember ever hearing his name mentioned in any of the movies. obviously it must of been as he remembered it, but man, did i feel stupid.

now if i could just get them interested in soaking up knowledge about the alphabet.

adventures in snow

everywhere i look there is mounds and mounds of snow. while sitting inside those mounds are pretty...at least until at least until the dirt starts to show through. in general though, i hate snow. i hate the cold that comes with snow. and i especially hate having to be outside in it. but i love to drive in it. for me, driving in the snow is the perfect combination of winter sport and warmth. i'm sitting inside with the heat blasting while enjoying the adrenaline rush that is winter sports.

yesterday i woke up to a LOT of snow (around 16 inches) and the need to drive 40ish miles in it in order to get to work. see, as a nanny, i don't have a job i can necessarily call in with the excuse of 'snowed in.' if my employers can get to work, i need to get to work. lucky for me, my favorite winter activity is snow driving.

my neighbor and i spent an hour yesterday morning not just digging out our cars, but digging out our road so we could get down to the main road and off to work. living on an alley that is one of the last streets in the city to be plowed can be a bit of a problem after heavy snowfall. we're left to our own devices if we want to get to work on time. so we shoveled. a lot. for about 100-125 feet. let me tell you, i'm feeling all that shoveling now. after all the shoveling, we had to re-dig out my car because i had decided to try and plow through some of the snow without shoveling first. sometimes i'm not very bright, but i really didn't want to have to shovel my entire road if it wasn't absolutely necessary. finally i got on the road.

here is where i have to give props to the great city i live in. with the exception of tiny dead end roads like mine, the streets were clear of the 16 inches of snow that had fallen over night. city buses were up and running. other than the stupid businesses that decided to close for the day before the snow even started to fall, the city was up and running. you seriously wouldn't have known we had a near blizzard the night before if it weren't for the giant mounds of snow everywhere. go GR! i honestly can't figure out why all the area schools are still closed.

the drive to work went well for the first two thirds. the roads were clear, the traffic was very light and i was able to just do my thing. then i got outside of the last town before hitting the lakeshore. now i drive a very small car so it doesn't take more than a couple of inches on the road before my car starts to struggle through it. but i drove the last 12 miles to work in snow that was as high as my bumper while the lane going to opposite direction had been plowed clear. luckily i was not the only car who decided to drive that direction so there were some tracks for me to get into otherwise, i'd have been stuck. but the deep snow didn't stop me from traveling at 50-55 mph. man was it fun! as i was getting to the end of my drive, the roads were clear of cars with the one exception of the guy about 1/2 mile behind me. i decided to have a little fun. i sped up to about 60, stepped on the brake, turned the wheel and just allowed my car to slide. i let it go around a couple times, pulled out of the slide and was heading back in the right direction without ever having left the road. the guy behind me caught up to me just as i was coming to a stop. he passed me and i started off again. he and i met again at the gas station down the road where we shared a laugh and i jumped in my employers car for the rest of the trip to her house. at that point of the drive, the roads were no longer plowed at all so i needed her tahoe to get me the rest of the way.

by the time i drove home yesterday afternoon, the sun was shining, the roads were clear (some completely free of all snow and ice) and everything around me sparkled. it was beautiful. today is when the drive will suck because all the other drivers will be back on the road going too slow for my happiness and being general pain in the behinds on roads i drove just fine on yesterday. i'm SO looking forward to it.

maybe i should reevaluate

in the last two days i have driven an unnecessary 80 miles or so in order to get to events that either got cancelled and i was never told or because the event was being held at a super-secret location that i knew nothing about. is it wrong of me to take it personally?

last night i tried to attend my book club meeting. no luck. i tried to email someone every couple of days for a week leading up to the meeting last night to find out where we were meeting and was met with silence. taking a chance, i went to where we used to meet hoping the group would be there. they weren't. the only think that really kept last night being a waste of time was running into a good friend of mine i haven't seen in awhile and getting a chance to catch up as well as catching up with a former boss. the night turned out ok, but i really wanted to discuss the book i had spent time reading.

tonight i tried to go play volleyball with my church. that drive was 60 miles of wasted gas. i spent 25 minutes waiting in the church parking lot for no one to show. it was especially irritating considering i received an email at 2:14 this morning confirming that volleyball was tonight at 7pm in the church gym. unless my church has a gym off-site that i don't know about (which i guess is possible) tonight was another opportunity for a group to waste my time.

yes, i know i shouldn't take it personal, but considering i've wasted a quarter of a tank of gas on being stood up, i do. i'm attempting to get involved in my church. i'm attempting to reconnect with friends i haven't seen in a long time. i'm attempting to say "yes" to things that come my way. this week has made me want to reconsider those attempts. and to make matters worse, i got out of work early yesterday and today to make these engagements thus missing out on several hours of pay. and since i was planning on an evening of volleyball, i didn't do my regular thursday workout meaning i'll have to do double tomorrow making tomorrow a day of lifting weights, core and lower body workouts as well as a 3 mile run.

tomorrow night i'm supposed to babysit. hopefully they house isn't dark when i get there and the family on vacation or something.

huh...not where i thought this would go

i haven't left my house since i got home friday night. yesterday because i was lazy, today because i'm not feeling great. other than some quality tv and reading time, i haven't done a darn thing. now i'm feeling ready to run 10 miles or something to get a little of this pent up energy out. except i don't feel well so that probably isn't really a good idea. instead, i'm going to watch the bears/packer game and hopefully it will be the kind of game i can yell a lot and throw things at the tv. i'm a lions fan, but as i play better football than the lions, i'm going to have to be a bears fan today (sorry mel!). GO BEARS!

i made it through last week's party. in fact, i had a great time. weather caused several people to cancel, but i had fun getting a chance to hang out with those that did make it. and i got $300 in free jewelry as an added bonus.

this week i'm upping my interaction with people from one night to two nights. though, happily, neither night involves people coming to my house so that will make it a lot easier. at least for one of the nights out. wednesday i'm meeting with my book club. i haven't been in several months so i'm looking forward to some adult discussion about books. as much as i love my job, i spend my day with toddlers so there isn't much chance of stimulating conversation so when the chance comes around to discuss a book that doesn't have pictures, i try to jump at it. and i'm even ahead of the game...i've actually finished reading the book up for discussion. normally i'm finishing the book in the car on the way to the meeting.

thursday will be a different kind of fun and a little more challenging. i'm heading out to play some volleyball on thursday night. i love volleyball. i watch as much as i can. but i haven't actually played in 10 years. should be interesting. and tiring. good thing i've been working out.

volleyball is going to be my first adventure at getting to know people from church. i've been attending the same church since moving to GR, but i haven't done anymore than attend sunday morning services in that time. there are a lot of reasons for that, some good, some bad. i'm not a joiner if i have to do the joining by myself. i'd rather take a leap into the new with someone else. it is much easier to show up to a sunday morning worship service by yourself than it is to walk into a sunday school class or other church activity by yourself. which is one of the bad reasons as i knew a LOT of the people at my church before i even started going there. being honest with myself (and with you), i'm not so good at the 'church' thing so i've found it easier to not be involved. people have asked me to join their sunday school classes, but i've found reasons not to without having to admit that i've been kicked out of almost every sunday school class i've been in as an adult. i've been asked to work with the children's activities, but have received a lot of weird looks when i say no because i already work with kids 5 days a week and i'd like to have my weekend off. i've had a lot of church people become incredibly uncomfortable around me when they learn that one of my good friends is gay.

i love the denomination i grew up in. when it comes to basic doctrine, i believe as the church does. however, while i am by no means liberal, i am not as conservative as my denomination as a whole. i've spent time attending other denominations, mainly the united methodist church, but i always come back to the good ol' church of the nazarene. even though i've been told i'm going to hell because i went to prom in high school (not just once, but twice). i've been told i'm going to hell because i drink the occasional glass of wine. i've been told i'm going to hell because i like to go out dancing every once in awhile. i've been told i'm going to hell because i've put money into slot machines. wow...the more i type, the more i wonder why i am going to church at all. i'm kind of a heathen.

i go to church because i believe in a single God who created everything, who had a Son he sent to earth to die for the sins of mankind. i believe that Son was sacrificed on a cross and rose from his grave and ascended into heaven. i believe in the ten commandments. i believe in loving my neighbor. i believe in the golden rule. i believe i do my best to live by the commandments in the bible. i don't believe that having a gay friend who i occasionally have a glass a wine with while dancing to 80s music condemns my soul to eternal burning(my belief in hell is a whole other blog). though i do believe a lot of people would disagree with me. and i do believe a lot of those people attend my church or one of the other many nazarene churches in the world. and i do believe all those people love me and mean well.

here is where i get to the point of this unplanned little speech...

i believe firmly that while all those people mean well, they are not God. they are not without their own sins....many of which coincide with my sins. i believe that unless you are free of sin, you have no right to judge me of my sin. i believe you have the right to love me. i believe you have the right to pray for me. i believe you have the right to discuss with me your thoughts and feelings towards my actions. and i believe you have the right to forgive me. but please don't cast stones at me unless you have no reason for me to cast them back. i throw hard.

attack of the killer nerves

tonight i am embarking on my first real test on my decision to socialize more...to say yes more. socializing outside my house is much easier for me than inviting a group of people to my home. outside of my house, i can just leave if i get bored or overwhelmed. when i have people over to my house, i'm stuck playing hostess until they are ready to leave. i can't runaway to my room or hop on the computer without seeming rude. so tonight will be a challenge as i'm opening my home to people...the first time i've done that since i bought my house 4 years ago.

i'm pretty nervous. several reasons spring to mind for my nervousness. sure, i'm probably being mostly paranoid, but at least one of the reasons is fairly valid. "why are you nervous?" you ask. well, let me tell you...

a.) what if no one comes? i think that's a standard nerve wrecking question people ask when they're coming up on the start time of a party they've planned, but i have a good reason for having to ask that. i'm not great at maintaining contact with friends over a long term if they aren't attached to a computer like i am. i hate the phone and because most of the real world seems to rely on them to make plans, i have a dilemma. and if i don't see a person every day, that makes it twice as challenging for me. my current job requires me to spend my day with a 4 year old and 2 year old and as much as i love them, i'm not inviting them to my house for a party. so for this party, i had to make contact with friends and former co-workers i haven't necessarily seen for quite some time...a few of them i haven't seen or talked to in several years. so i'm hoping that everyone forgives me and allows me to make the long silence up to them in the form of food and entertainment in my house (a place that 99% of the people who come, if anyone comes, has never actually been inside of).

2.) what if i forgot something important? did i remember to clean the toilet? check. did i remove the cat hair off all the furniture? check. did i remember to get food? check. those are just a few of the questions i'm currently asking myself.

B.) will i be able to stay at my party or am i going to feel the need to runaway? big question for a person who is ultimately a huge introvert.

on the plus side, everyone i invited tonight was at one point a very good friend. a friend who i spent a lot of time with both at work and outside of work. they all know me and know my quirks. hopefully they know me well enough to understand i'm reaching out to them and really want to reconnect and start hanging out again. because, after all, that's the whole point of this website. to say yes and basically get a life. :)

Next big thing in reality television

University of Michigan fired their football coach. Needed to be done. But....no one else wants the job. Supposedly, representatives of the school are going to meet with LSU's head coach Les Miles (a former U of M player and assistant coach) sometime this week about the possibility of him coming back as head coach. Problem with that? He doesn't seem to be interested in leaving LSU. Which is funny because a lot of LSU fans would love to see him go.

I have a proposal.

You've heard of 'Wife Swap'? Let's start a new reality show called 'Coach Swap.'

LSU, you can have our former coach if we can have your current coach.