letter to a friend

dear mr. you know who you are~

over the last couple of years, i've had a lot of time to think of the things i'd love to say to you if i had the chance.  some good things, some bad things, some things just to make you laugh, but mostly those things don't matter because what i really want to say is i miss you.

circumstances change, things get messy, life moves you in opposite, i get and understand all the reasons two people drift apart.  i don't want to, but i get it.  i don't like it, but i get it.  doesn't change the fact that i miss you.

we were once closer than two people have the right to be.  you were the ying to my yang.  you were the milk to my cookies.  you were my brother.  and while the rest of the world around us, didn't get us, it didn't matter because we got us and it was great. 

but life interfered and i didn't deal with it well.  you found a happiness i couldn't understand and wasn't willing to try to understand.  i was selfish.  i was very resistant to the changes and i fear that made the distance unbridgeable when actual physical distance was put between us.  i'm sorry about that.  you were one of the two closest people in my life and i feel i took that for granted, but that doesn't change the big gaping hole in my life where you used to reside.  i've moved on and worked to fill that hole.  i've created a wonderful life for myself in your absence, but sometimes, late at night i wish you were still there for me to share my funny stories with or to help me talk through some drama i don't know how to deal with.  at this moment in my life, i have never wanted your opinion on a topic than i do now, but i've learned over the last few years to trust my gut, go with my heart and never look back.  i've become more spontaneous and fun.  because you taught me to be those things.

i just want you to know, i'm happy, i'm sorry, i've moved on, but i miss you.

c

if i could turn the page in time

it is always amazing to me how a song can revive even the smallest of memories.  for example, the song 'little lies' by fleetwood mac will always remind me of the time i was sitting in the back seat of my babysitter's car reading her daughter's science book.  specifically, i was reading about a girl who drank bleach and what happened to her throat and stomach as a result.  i was maybe 8 or 9 years old at the time, but every time i hear 'little lies' i remember that moment.  while i'm sure i had heard the song multiple times before that  moment in my life and i know i've heard it many, many times since, that one instance is, for whatever reason, etched into my brain.  maybe i just need it as a reminder to never drink bleach.  you know, because i crave it ALL the time.

a lot of other songs also trigger memories for me and most of the time those memories are really small and hardly worth remembering and yet my mind seems to take up a lot of space with them.  'little lies' is probably the most common because that memory at least as a lesson to be learned, however stupid.  but there is a song out there that was popular in the mid-90s that triggers a memory of reading v.c. andrew's 'flowers in the attic'.  right now, without the song (and i can't even tell you what the song is off hand) i can tell you that the memory is of me reading on my bed in my bedroom at the campgrounds i used to work at during the summer.  i believe i was reading the book for the second or third time.  the air conditioning was blasting so the room was really cold even though it was very hot outside.  but when the song plays, i can tell you exactly what i was reading about the entire time the song played.  i don't know what passage i was reading when i think about it now, but if that song were to suddenly start playing, i could probably recite the passage word for word.  seeing that i was reading 'flowers in the attic' i'm probably trying to remind myself not to sleep with my brother.  easy thing to do as i don't have a brother.

the brain is a wonderful, mysterious thing and i believe history is too.  i've always been a person who spends a lot of time thinking about my past.  i remember things from my childhood and adolescence that most people would have forgot about immediately.  i can recall entire conversations that, looking back, are completely meaningless.  i don't look back because my present is so unpleasant or because my future uncertain.  my present is pretty pleasant and my future has always been uncertain because i've always tended to fly by the seat of my pants.  my unofficial motto has always been 'no regrets'.  i think that's why i look back and remember so much; to verify to myself that i don't regret the choices i've made.  'little lies' takes me back to a small few minutes of my childhood that lets me then remember the bigger picture of that time...the time i spent delivering newspapers with my babysitter and her children, a time of trips down the block to dairy queen and running in the spray of a fire hydrant, a time of watching my babysitter's son nearly getting kidnapped and then killed when the man who tried to take him decided to try and throw him in the st. joseph river instead.  as scary as that last thing was, i had a great time with those people and all the craziness that came with it.  the song that takes me back to reading that v.c. andrews book also sends me back to many, many great summers spent working at indian lake nazarene campgrounds.  a time i wouldn't trade for anything.  i get to remember all the times i was fired (no less than 4), all the people i worked with (a lot over the course of 9 years), all the fun i had scooping ice cream and flipping burgers, late night swims, and lots and lots of fun. 

when i think back about all the decisions i made in my life, i don't regret a one.  there isn't a single decision i made in my past that would be made differently if i had a do over.  there are a lot of people i wouldn't have met if i had done things differently.  if i'd worn my name tag while in washington, d.c. for a college field trip, i wouldn't have met tim (or stole a sign off of a fence around the capitol).  if i hadn't decided to drive a van with a cracked head gasket, i would never have driven it to nashville and nearly been forced into marriage with david, a guy i had just met.  if i had found another ride for the random guy who needed to go an atm, i wouldn't have hit drew with my car thus never meeting his amazing family and experiencing my first of many trips to new york city as well as my very first broadway production (les miserables).  if i had deleted the weird email that showed up in my inbox the last semester of my senior year of college, i wouldn't have gotten the chance to work for an incredible family, experience a different world (i will forever maintain that texas is a totally different world), meet some amazing people and most importantly, realize that what i'm good at is being a nanny. 

songs have a way of reminding me of parts of my life worth remembering.  i had a pretty idyllic childhood, an easy adolescence, and an uneventful life since then.  i'm sure there are decisions i could have (and should have) made differently, but then i might not be who i am and have those little memories that 'little lies' provides me with.

my day helping a young adult marilyn play moneyball

i love movies.  sadly, my schedule doesn't allow me to see them as often as i'd like.  neither does my checking account for that matter.  but occasionally i like to catch up on movies i have been wanting to see by spending an entire day at the theater taking in as many as i can.  luckily, there is a second run theater in my town that offers movies for $3.99 so i'll wait til they are showing multiple movies i'd like to see and see them then instead of paying $9.25 to see them when they first come out.

today was one of those days spent at the theater and what a great day it was.  i saw an excellent lineup of movies.  i was hoping to take in 5 movies today, but had to settle for 4 as my last movie didn't let out in time to get into the 5th before it started so i'll have to catch 'tinker tailor soldier spy' another time.  i did get to see 'my week with marilyn', 'young adult', 'moneyball', and 'the help.'  so without further ado, my very poorly thought out reviews of these movies:

"My Week With Marilyn"
i have never seen an entire marilyn monroe movie, but now i want to.  i have seen a lot of clips and several interviews she gave as well as seen multiple photographs of her.  i grew up with a father who loves her and even has a life-sized cut out of her in his basement.  based on my limited knowledge of ms. monroe's ability to act and her actual persona, i spent a lot of the movie in complete awe of michelle williams ability to become her.  i was completely captivated by her.  and eddie redmayne isn't getting nearly enough recognition for his role as colin clark.  when the two of them were on screen together, everything and everyone else faded into the background and that included amazing talent such as kenneth branaugh and dame judi dench.  i tend to get bored quickly with movies like 'marilyn', but i didn't check my watch once and would have loved for the movie to actually be longer.  i have now seen 3 of this years academy award nominees for best actress and michelle williams would totally get my vote.  i would recommend this movie to everyone.

"Young Adult"
i have a weakness for all things diablo cody.  i loved 'juno' and 'the united states of tara'.  so it was with great anticipation that i went to see 'young adult'.  and i was not disappointed.  this movie isn't for everyone.  it doesn't have a fairy tale ending.  it isn't flashy and full of special effects.  in fact, it's kind of sad and pathetic...or at least the characters are.  but it is real.  and it is funny in a dark kind of way in all the right spots.  charlize theron was great in the lead role and i always enjoy patrick wilson, patton oswalt and elizabeth reaser.  theron and oswalt both played completely messed up characters that it would make sense to stay away from but i just wanted to hug.  wilson and reaser were the 'normal' people in the movie...and in reaser's case, the bit of fresh air from all the mopiness.   like i said, 'young adult' isn't a movie for everyone...especially if you like your movies to have happily-ever-after endings, but if you enjoy indy-type movies, definitely check this one out.

"Moneyball"
i love baseball and i love baseball statistics so this movie was my idea of a nearly perfect movie.  throw in brad pitt and it becomes the perfect movie.  i remember the season of baseball featured in the movie.  i remember the confusion people had over how oakland was playing baseball.  i've read excerpt's from the book 'moneyball' when it first came out and would love to sit down and read the whole thing.  and i love the idea of the crap taken out of picking a team and just going with the good old fashion idea of numbers.  it appeals to me because i love numbers.  and i hate crap.  i don't care how a baseball player (or any athlete) acts off the field.  just that he can put up consistent numbers and help my team win.  and that's what oakland's gm, billy beane, and numbers genius, peter brand, try to do in 'moneyball.'  beane has no money to replace some important players who have left due to free agency and he has no way to get more money.  no money, means no high priced talent.  enter brand and his belief in a method of numbers only baseball.  does this crazy concept win oakland the world series?  watch the movie to see.  watch the movie because pitt and jonah hill (who plays brand) are great.  watch the movie because aaron sorkin knows how to write a script that should be boring, but isn't.  shoot, sorkin made the pretty uninteresting story of computer programmers very interesting.  he's done the same here with a pretty bland story of baseball statistics.  and according the some of the people in the theater with me, you don't have to like baseball to enjoy this movie.  the baseball is just an added bonus.

"The Help"
i watched 3/4 of this movie over the summer when it first came out, but due to a scheduling conflict didn't get to see the end.  i didn't want to pay full price to try and see it again in theaters so figured i'd just get it from netflix when it came out on dvd.  but due to it's oscar campaign it is back in theaters so i got to watch the entire film today.  i enjoyed this movie.  but i enjoyed the first 3/4 of the movie i had already seen and though i sat through the last 1/4 this time, for some reason i didn't enjoy it as much as rewatching the first 3/4.  there was something about the last 1/4 that seemed unnecessary and rushed.  i have also read the book and in all honesty if i had to recommend the movie or the book to someone, i'd tell them to watch the movie.  i found the book to be lacking the heart that the actors brought to the movie.  all the best parts of the book made it into the movie and as anyone with tv and the internet can tell, the acting was fabulous as is evident by the multiple oscar nominations.  but while i enjoyed the performances of the three ladies nominated, it was bryce dallas howard that i felt made the movie.  her performance as hilly holbrook was stole every scene she was in i thought and when she wasn't stealing the scene, sissy spacek playing her mother did.  while the performances in this movie was good and definitely deserve recognition from the various award shows, i didn't feel it deserved an oscar nomination for best picture, especially since it beat out 'my week with marilyn.'  to me, a best picture nominee has to have something for man and woman alike and 'the help' is just a little too sentimental for that.  it's a movie for women. 

now if you only see one of these four movies, make sure it's 'my week with marilyn'.  it was the first one i saw today and stayed my favorite of the day through 3 other great movies.

mmmm.....cake

i'd like to send a very big thank you to erin napier and mystic creations for providing some yummy desserts for the surprise birthday party i threw for my parents and sister.  i'm very proud be have been her first client and can happily say i ate enough of the chocolate cake to gain 3lbs.  :)

and yes, you heard that correctly.  i threw a combined surprise party for both my parents and my sister.  between january 18th and february 11th, both my parents turn(ed) 60 and my sister turned 30.  rather than giving my standard 'happy birthday' phone call/text, i decided these milestone birthdays required something a little more special.  thus began the weeks of finding a venue willing to host a large group of people without sticking me with a large bill, narrowing down the guest list from everyone my parents and sister know to only the people that all three know (the venue could really only hold 35ish comfortably) and trying to keep everything a surprise.  needless to say, the cake portion of the party was by far the easiest thing for me to deal with.  it is amazingly difficult to keep this kind of surprise from not just one person, but three.  especially considering, my mom felt the need to start inviting people to dinner with us when i told them i'd be down to take them out for dinner.  trying to keep every one's stories coordinated was really hard.

but in the end, all of them were nicely surprised, 35 people helped them celebrate their milestone birthdays and we had some delicious food courtesy of our host restaurant, B&W Old Village Inn in buchanan, and erin with mystic creations.  and just to make you more jealous of the yummy cakes erin made, i'll include a couple more pictures.  :)

and that, my friends, is why i haven't been blogging the last couple weeks.  my mom is an occasional reader and i knew i'd be unable to go without mentioning something about the annoying planning of the party.  because believe me, all i wanted to do was talk about the annoying planning of the party.

now enjoy some cake!