if i could turn the page in time

it is always amazing to me how a song can revive even the smallest of memories.  for example, the song 'little lies' by fleetwood mac will always remind me of the time i was sitting in the back seat of my babysitter's car reading her daughter's science book.  specifically, i was reading about a girl who drank bleach and what happened to her throat and stomach as a result.  i was maybe 8 or 9 years old at the time, but every time i hear 'little lies' i remember that moment.  while i'm sure i had heard the song multiple times before that  moment in my life and i know i've heard it many, many times since, that one instance is, for whatever reason, etched into my brain.  maybe i just need it as a reminder to never drink bleach.  you know, because i crave it ALL the time.

a lot of other songs also trigger memories for me and most of the time those memories are really small and hardly worth remembering and yet my mind seems to take up a lot of space with them.  'little lies' is probably the most common because that memory at least as a lesson to be learned, however stupid.  but there is a song out there that was popular in the mid-90s that triggers a memory of reading v.c. andrew's 'flowers in the attic'.  right now, without the song (and i can't even tell you what the song is off hand) i can tell you that the memory is of me reading on my bed in my bedroom at the campgrounds i used to work at during the summer.  i believe i was reading the book for the second or third time.  the air conditioning was blasting so the room was really cold even though it was very hot outside.  but when the song plays, i can tell you exactly what i was reading about the entire time the song played.  i don't know what passage i was reading when i think about it now, but if that song were to suddenly start playing, i could probably recite the passage word for word.  seeing that i was reading 'flowers in the attic' i'm probably trying to remind myself not to sleep with my brother.  easy thing to do as i don't have a brother.

the brain is a wonderful, mysterious thing and i believe history is too.  i've always been a person who spends a lot of time thinking about my past.  i remember things from my childhood and adolescence that most people would have forgot about immediately.  i can recall entire conversations that, looking back, are completely meaningless.  i don't look back because my present is so unpleasant or because my future uncertain.  my present is pretty pleasant and my future has always been uncertain because i've always tended to fly by the seat of my pants.  my unofficial motto has always been 'no regrets'.  i think that's why i look back and remember so much; to verify to myself that i don't regret the choices i've made.  'little lies' takes me back to a small few minutes of my childhood that lets me then remember the bigger picture of that time...the time i spent delivering newspapers with my babysitter and her children, a time of trips down the block to dairy queen and running in the spray of a fire hydrant, a time of watching my babysitter's son nearly getting kidnapped and then killed when the man who tried to take him decided to try and throw him in the st. joseph river instead.  as scary as that last thing was, i had a great time with those people and all the craziness that came with it.  the song that takes me back to reading that v.c. andrews book also sends me back to many, many great summers spent working at indian lake nazarene campgrounds.  a time i wouldn't trade for anything.  i get to remember all the times i was fired (no less than 4), all the people i worked with (a lot over the course of 9 years), all the fun i had scooping ice cream and flipping burgers, late night swims, and lots and lots of fun. 

when i think back about all the decisions i made in my life, i don't regret a one.  there isn't a single decision i made in my past that would be made differently if i had a do over.  there are a lot of people i wouldn't have met if i had done things differently.  if i'd worn my name tag while in washington, d.c. for a college field trip, i wouldn't have met tim (or stole a sign off of a fence around the capitol).  if i hadn't decided to drive a van with a cracked head gasket, i would never have driven it to nashville and nearly been forced into marriage with david, a guy i had just met.  if i had found another ride for the random guy who needed to go an atm, i wouldn't have hit drew with my car thus never meeting his amazing family and experiencing my first of many trips to new york city as well as my very first broadway production (les miserables).  if i had deleted the weird email that showed up in my inbox the last semester of my senior year of college, i wouldn't have gotten the chance to work for an incredible family, experience a different world (i will forever maintain that texas is a totally different world), meet some amazing people and most importantly, realize that what i'm good at is being a nanny. 

songs have a way of reminding me of parts of my life worth remembering.  i had a pretty idyllic childhood, an easy adolescence, and an uneventful life since then.  i'm sure there are decisions i could have (and should have) made differently, but then i might not be who i am and have those little memories that 'little lies' provides me with.