when i started this blog it was to document my adventures into things that made me uncomfortable. i've done a lot in that time that makes me uncomfortable, some i've documented and some i have chosen not to. but one month from today, i will be doing the single most uncomfortable thing i've done in a very long time. i'm great with the spontaneous uncomfortable things. i've spent many a night in weird places because of last minute changes or yes to something at the spur of the moment. i'm not so good at the planned events that make me uncomfortable. leaves me with plenty of time to get nervous and (most of the time) wiggle out of them. while i've had plenty of time to get VERY nervous about this event, i actually have no desire to wiggle out of it.
one month from today, i'll be on vacation to louisiana where i will be visiting a friend i haven't seen in over 10 years. what's so bad about that? what is so nerve-wrecking? for most people, the answer to those questions is nothing at all. most people would be giddy with excitement. and while i'm definitely giddy, every time i stop to think about it for more than 2 seconds, my stomach begins to roll in a not so pleasant fashion and i have to stop thinking about it. and the reaction is only partly irrational, the rest of it is based in history.
the after i graduated from college, i spent a year working as a live in nanny in midland, tx (or hell as i will call it from here on out). i loved my job. the people i worked for and with were fantastic. the location of the job left something to be desired...at least in my opinion. as much as i loved my job, it wasn't exactly the best job when it came to meeting a group of friends. luckily, i found a great sunday school class at my church and my fellow nanny also found a great group of people at her church i also socialized with on occasion. i became really close to the nanny i worked with, but despite having other people i saw socially on a regular basis, i didn't really find any other friends until i met J in sunday school about half way through my time in hell.
when J first started attending the sunday school class, he was just another person in the room...an opinionated person, but just a person. he wasn't there regularly and i didn't really pay much attention to him. i'm not sure what made me take notice of him, but at some point i did. now, while i'm not exactly shy, i don't make the first move even in talking to a potential friend so i spent a while hoping he'd take notice of the girl across the table and say hi. weeks went by and that didn't happen so i decided if i wanted to know this person better, i needed to do something about it so i got his email address off the classes email list and invited him out to lunch. i was a little surprised when he said yes, but he did and J and i became friends.
needless to say, at some point in our friendship, i developed a crush on J. i don't know if the feelings were mutual or not, but there were times i thought so. unfortunately, life got in the way and i was never able to find out. he moved back to his home state of louisiana and i moved back to michigan. other than a brief stop in baton rouge for lunch on my way back to michigan not long after he moved home, i haven't seen J since we shared our time in hell.
we've stayed in touch loosely over the last 10 years. enough to know the major events in each others lives. awhile ago, life allowed us to reconnect more consistently and due to losing a bet we made during football playoffs, i am now going to visit J after a decade.
who knows what will happen when we're in the same place at the same time, but i'm definitely uncomfortably nervous about the reunion. i'm excited to see an old friend and i know we'll have a good time, but i'm nervous because crushes are weird things and i'm not sure it would be smart for this crush to return.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
that helped a little...
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